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Apr. 22nd, 2016


mortality sucks

Originally published at http://www.notmymother.net . You can comment there or here.

I never got to see Prince live. I wish I had.

I had the opportunity. I was in London when he played the O2 arena, which was a really big deal, but I didn’t go. Next time, I thought. Maybe. And then he toured Melbourne and I thought about it, but again I didn’t even try for tickets. I had friends who went though, and I was jealous. I wished I had gone. Next time, I decided again, and now I can’t.

This is why you’ve got to seize the day, people. Take the chances as they come. Make your dreams happen. Yes, your dreams, you still have them, they’re floating around in your head. The things that you fleetingly think, “oh that would be so cool” but in the next breath think, that’s not possible? Those things. Don’t think in terms of “what will I regret on my deathbed”?  because that list will be filled with spending time with your kids and not working so much, blah blah blah. You want to think of the fun stuff that your subconscious is wishing for. No one is lying on their deathbed regretting missing a Prince concert or not seeing the Northern lights, but that’s the stuff that makes life wonderful.

An example: years ago, we went to The Fat Duckrestaurant. It was in 2006 or 2007, before Heston became this huge TV personality, when the restaurant was first or second best in the world and he was making headlines because of snail porridge and Sounds of the Sea. It was kind of mythical, a tiny place spoken of with reverence in newspaper articles, hard to get into (and expensive), but one day I realised it was possible for normal people to go, and I mentioned to Dave that of everything in the world dining at The Fat Duck was my dream to do Someday. And he organised it for my birthday and became an absolute hero in my eyes, and it was everything I hoped it would be and more.

So what is yours? Do you want to spend a year in France living only on cheese? See the Aurora Borealis? Write a novel? (Yes, yes and yes.) So do it! There is nowhere on this earth that you can’t go if you want to. Some places, I’ll think you’re nuts if you do want to go there. But that’s okay! Think about these things and make them happen. Don’t dismiss them with Someday. Someday is like the horizon, you’ll never reach it. There’s all these places that get on standard bucket lists like the Grand Canyon, Hawaii, Egypt. Work out which one you really truly actually want to make an effort to see, and do that.

Example two: Eurovisionis coming up. This year it’s in Sweden. Do you like watching Eurovision? Lots of people do. We love it. We’ve watched every one together since we’ve been a couple. I buy the album every year. We have parties with friends where we dress up and we have fake voting and have a wonderful time. Last year it was hard because it’s not televised in Singapore so we had to watch it on YouTube on our own. But this year, we’re going, because why the hell not? We have eight days in Stockholm and tickets to both semi finals, and it will be the ultimate awesomeness.

(It’s funny the reactions we get when we tell people, from a nose-wrinkling “oh my god you’re doing what?” to outright laughter. One of Dave’s workmates, a German guy who is now my favourite ever, got so excited. He loves it too, has parties too, but it hadn’t occurred to him to actually go along, even when he lived in Europe! I like to think next year, he’ll be getting tickets.)

This is the stuff I’m talking about. This is what we need to do more of. And yes, I am aware of the irony of me plugging seizing every opportunity and yet spending most days lolling on the couch. I’d better read this entry too.

What things do you dream of doing? Give me some ideas.


Apr. 11th, 2016


because she said so

Originally published at http://www.notmymother.net . You can comment there or here.
A friend told me I should write again and lo it is so. Don’t you wish you had this sort of power over me?
I don’t have a good reason for the silence. I’ve been in a funk for the past few months, probably since the start of the year. Again, no real reason. You know Sadness in Inside Out? Dragging herself around, everything too much effort. That was me, only I wasn’t really sad. Just blah.
But! Finally! I feel like I’m finally shaking it off. Like I can actually stand upright. And do things! I’ve been trying some things, and they seem to be helping me feel like myself again.
So anyway. I’m still alive, we’re still in Singapore. It’s still good. I’m okay, better than I have been. I would explain, but there is too much even to sum up today, so bear with me. And I’m glad I got a kick up the butt to write again.

Nov. 24th, 2015


Tortoise Girl and the lost weeks

Originally published at http://www.notmymother.net . You can comment there or here.

I was moving very slowly last week. I had a cold and I don’t know if it’s worse to have a cold when it’s hot or that the medicine wasn’t working but it wiped me out. I spent several days flopped on the couch too weak to do anything. I was recovering by the weekend and now I’m full of my normal vim and vigour and back to flopping on the couch too lazy to do anything else.

Before that, on the Sunday, I was moving very slowly, because on the Saturday night I caught a hangover. We went out! With friends! And no kids! It was a friend’s birthday and we went for tapas and wine, and then sangria, and the sangria tasted like fruit punch and I’m not sure how much of it we had actually. B was at a friend’s house for a sleepover which was good because we didn’t get home until after 1am. I felt very seedy on Sunday and basically crawled around the whole day. But oh, how much fun it was to go out! When we were moving here I said the first thing I’d do was set up a regular babysitter, and I haven’t. I have to fix that.

I haven’t made a lot of friends here yet, which is fine because I go for quality over quantity, but there are a couple of people I really really like and this lady is one of them. We had so much fun.

And the week before that–are you following me? We are talking two weeks ago, now–we had a public holiday on the Tuesday for Deepavali (aka Diwali), which is not really a lost day, and I also spent two full days out of the house attempting to sort out our Singapore drivers licences. We have to switch over once we’ve been here a year, and the process is confusing and beaurocratic. Actually, once you know what’s going on it makes sense, but it is still a drawn out process and deserves a post of its own.

What have you been up to?


Nov. 6th, 2015


NaBloPoMo fail, and other updates

Originally published at http://www.notmymother.net . You can comment there or here.

Look! Four posts in a week! I bet you’re so excited you don’t know yourself.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

I signed up for NaBloPoMo this month. NaBloPoMo is the blogging equivalent of NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) where you’re supposed to write a novel during November. For NaBloPoMo you post every day. It used to be only in November but I see now it can be any month. Anyway, I signed up on Saturday when I was full of my plans for rebooting and then promptly forgot. When I wrote the last post on Wednesday it was in the back of my mind that I needed to date it for Tuesday, and then I thought, “don’t be crazy, you can miss a day,” completely forgetting why I was thinking that.

So there’s that.

Other than that, this week has gone fairly well. I have managed to achieve my basic level of competency every day, and I feel calm and in control. And competent! Yesterday was great, I was having coffee with a friend and whizzed through it all before I left. Shazam! Look at me!

On the other hand, I have also found myself at a loose end a lot. Not scheduling more than the basics has left me thinking “what now?” I am not good at choosing one thing to do out of many equal options. If there isn’t anything screaming urgent at me, then I get stuck. I still had times where I wasted a couple of hours playing on my phone, so it’s time to add a few more things in.

On a couple of days I tried meditating and resting before B comes home. What happens usually is I’m in the middle of something when the alarm goes off to meet the bus, or just basically knackered, and I’m not the best mum. So I took 10-15 minutes to lie down and relax (it probably doesn’t even count as meditating), and it’s helped me reset and focus on her, which she deserves.

Today I need to sort out what’s in the freezer and do some groceries, and then curl up with my book. We’re reading Amnesia by Peter Carey for bookclub, and I’m not enjoying it; maybe a couple of chocolate digestives will help.

How’s your week been? Any exciting plans for the weekend? Me neither.


Nov. 4th, 2015


achieving my basic level of competence

Originally published at http://www.notmymother.net . You can comment there or here.

The first thing to do when working out the structure of my days is to work out which tasks I need to do to achieve my basic level of competence. My BLC is the minimum amount of work I need to do around here to keep the house and life ticking over. If something happens—I’m engrossed in a project, or out all day running errands, or (like yesterday) B is home sick—as long as I’ve done the things that make up my basic level of competence, I can feel like I’m still on top of things.

These are the things that I think make up my BLC:

  • Reset kitchen: deal with dishes (dishwasher or sink), wipe benches, take out rubbish, keep it nice

  • Pick up lounge

  • Reset bedroom: make the bed, put clothes away, clear rubbish

  • Pick up bathroom

  • Know what’s for dinner

  • Do one load of washing and hang it up afterwards

That last one’s a big one. There are many days where I put a lot of washing on and never quite get around to pulling it out so it sits in there getting moldy and I need to wash it again. If I put a load on, I have to get it out and hang it up to dry. Which reminds me, there’s stuff in the machine now; I better go deal with it.


Seriously, that’s all it took. Although it was mostly towels, so I cheated and put them in the dryer. Now I need to remember to get them out of the dryer later.

I don’t have to do a load every day, many people don’t, but I find if I leave it for a couple of days the pile gets too big with towels and bedding and I get daunted. Better instead to do a little every day. On Monday I did three loads, and that did make me feel fairly productive, until I ran out of room on the drying racks.


I’m finding the best time to do these is first thing in the morning after Dave and B leave. Well, first after I finish my coffee and watch the news and check facebook and blogs, so maybe 9am. It seems to give me a burst of energy that means I might keep being productive, and then I can concentrate on other things without this hanging over my head, so if I do get obsessed with a project at least the house isn’t falling apart. And if I don’t know what’s for dinner, it gives me time to get out to the shops.

Yesterday B stayed home from school with a tummyache and wanted to be glommed onto me, but I spent 15 minutes resetting the kitchen and another 15 on the bedroom/bathroom and throwing on washing, and I was pretty much done. It meant that when she was feeling better the kitchen was clean enough to make a batch of muffins together without me getting snappy. And it was easy to clean up too. I felt competent yesterday. It was nice. I feel competent today too.

Do you have a set of tasks for your basic level of competence? What are they?


Nov. 2nd, 2015


where to begin?

Originally published at http://www.notmymother.net . You can comment there or here.

The problem with having a lot of projects I want to do is working out which to start with. I can’t do all of them, obviously, so how do I choose? Seriously, how? And what happens to allt he ones I’m not choosing? They’re all important too. Won’t they feel neglected? If I can only do one then I’d better start with something I have to do. Something with a deadline, like finishing our tax returns. Except I don’t really want to do that one, so I need something else as well. Something that’s a treat. But which? And so it goes round and round until I’m paralyzed and anxious. Or, I get obsessed on whatever I choose, and everything else around me goes to hell.

After a lot of scribbling about this in my journal I realised I need to take a step back and look at my goals. What exactly are my goals, anyway? What do I want to achieve, how does the ideal look in my head? Brooke at Brooke: Not on a Diet recently posted about working out the best version of herself, so it was on my mind. More scribbling later I worked out that my goals could be roughly divided into three areas:

Things for my physical and mental health

Things about being organised and effective

Things about creativity and enrichment

And I quickly divided up my goals into those categories.

Me (physical, mental health and happiness)

  • Project Trophy Wife (this is a catch-all for things that make me feel attractive)

  • Up and Moving course

  • meditation and yoga

  • Investigate alternative therapies

  • losing weight, getting fit etc

Being effective

  • catch up all paperwork

  • decluttering and organising house

  • those damn tax returns

  • Aus money sorting

  • running house effectively

  • getting structure in day

Being creative and enriched (I sound like a yogurt)

  • writing – here, journal, fiction

  • sewing and craft

  • reading

  • cooking and baking

  • learning languages

  • taking courses

  • appreciating Singapore

Et cetera. Again, not an exhaustive or even very well expressed list. Have you tried doing this? It’s bloody hard! But I felt really excited once I’d done it, because it makes sense and I can choose something from each area to work on at a time.

For this month, I’m going to work on setting up the basics. This will give me a good foundation for the other work, and also allow me to procrastinate on actually doing any of them:

  • find a structure to my days that works

  • keep up with the basics of running the house and life

  • practice basic self-care: sleep better, drink water, stretch daily, try to be aware of emotions instead of eating them

  • write in my journal (I process thoughts a lot better when I pin them down on a page instead of letting them swirl in my head)

  • be mindful about how I’m spending time (do something fun instead of losing hours on phone)

That doesn’t sound like much, does it? There are whole hours in the day that are unaccounted for. That’s fine, I need to give myself a break while sorting out these basic habits. I’m sure I’ll find a way to fill them. If all else fails I can always work on the fucking tax.


Nov. 1st, 2015



Originally published at http://www.notmymother.net . You can comment there or here.

I wrote started a post back in September, when I was supposed to be packing for our trip to England in the school hols, about how I’d started taking my antidepressants again because the lows were getting a bit too low and I was anxious all the time, but now I was feeling numb and didn’t give a toss about anything. I was pondering if it was better to be all deer-in-the-headlights about everything or as bothered as a sloth.

And then I never posted it (or any of the things I scribbled afterwards), which just proves my point.

I am in a bit of a slump, but I don’t really think it’s to do with taking (or not) my medicine. I think I’ve the same problem a lot of retired people have, in that I need more structure in my day. Once Dave and B have gone off earning and learning I have a wide open expanse of 6 or so hours to myself and whether I spend that time doing something useful or lying on the couch watching Mentalist reruns is anyone’s guess.

“You need a project,” Dave said to me after a bad day last week. “I was going to sign you up to something on Open University so you’ll have to do it.”

He’s right. But I’m not short of options of my own.


This was a quick list off the top of my head, and it doesn’t even get near to being complete. This is where I get frustrated. Everyone has one of these lists, right? Everyone thinks “one day when I have time I will do xxx” Well, this IS my one day. I HAVE the time. Why the fuck aren’t I doing something real about it instead of frittering it away?

I need to get some discipline back in my days and work out what I really want to achieve, so that is what I’m going to do. That is my goal for November.



Apr. 23rd, 2015


this blog would not receive the purple ribbon for participating

Originally published at http://www.notmymother.net . You can comment there or here.

I am at my first school sports day. Right now I am scribbling this with a sweaty hand in an exercise book. Let’s see if I actually transcribe this one, or if it languishes forever in here with all the other half-scribbled notes.

It is SO HOT! Thank goodness it’s only a half day, and the seats where we’re sitting are in the shade with electric fans. Earlier the grade twos did a 400m race… I do not know how they are still standing. I am sweaty just watching. B’s foundation class (= Prep, the one before grade one) only had to do a 60m race, along with a short sack race, a relay and a beanbag “shotput” toss. Bianca has done her best in each, with fairly limited success, but she is flushed and happy, and proud of her purple “competitor” ribbons.

(Which, by the way, I was always on the side of thinking giving everyone a prize at these things was silly, but when you’re dealing with five year olds who can’t cope when the snakes and ladders dice goes against them I think it is fine and wise to temper the disappointment. It’s not like they’re all getting a trophy, and everyone knows purple’s better than “yellow, white or brown” anyway.)

Oh hell no, they’ve just announced a parents’ relay race, do NOT look at me and WHY did I think wearing my bright pink runners to this was a good idea? Next time heeled flip flops all the way.

For all the sweat and the stickiness I feel blessed to be here, watching B run and join in. This is my job while we’re here, to be there supporting, to make her and even Dave feel like they can do the best they can. It’s important, and I like it, most of the time.


Now I am at Great World City, having a Mummy and Daughter afternoon. We had McDonalds for lunch, then a wander round the shops, and now we’re camping out in Starbucks to kill time before we go to see Home. It is cool and airconditioned and apart from a residual stickiness the discomfort of this morning is forgotten. Bianca is playing with a set of stickers I got her. “Close your eyes, Mummy! Now tell me what’s different about my picture now!” My coffee is average, but we are both having fun.

I’m sorry I’ve been silent. I went through a bit of a rough adjustment phase for a week or so, then got really busy with a project, and then we were back in Australia for the school holidays. You didn’t miss much, I wasn’t doing anything particularly interesting in that time. Which is half the problem, I think. Must change that; I’m in a new country, for chrissakes.

When we were at McDonalds I saw these ride-on thingies. The Crocodile Hunter? Um, what? How is this a thing? For what it’s worth in the time we were sitting there not one kid wanted to get in it, and I am not at all surprised.



Feb. 24th, 2015


welcome to the year of the stupid

Originally published at http://www.notmymother.net . You can comment there or here.

Gong xi fat cai! We had a four day long weekend to celebrate lunar new year (I can’t quite get the hang of whether it’s ok to call it Chinese new year here). Of course Dave will tell you every day is a weekend for me. Ha ha ha! He is such a funny man. Thank goat he’s gone back to work today.

Speaking of goats, I am worried this might really be the year of the stupid. Or the stupid goat. My birthdate makes me a metal pig, so you know this is possible. So this is what happened. On Friday night we decided to go down to Chinatown to see the lanterns and the general celebrations. Embrace the culture! See the dragons! Actually, we tried to do it the night before, but just as we were about to leave I realised I couldn’t find my train ticket. So we had to abort. That was the first stupid of the year. But we figured it didn’t really matter, because the celebrations go on for two weeks so we’d still get to see it all.

So anyway, Friday evening we dressed up again, Bianca in her cute little pink Chinese dress, and caught the train to Chinatown. It was busy, with lanterns everywhere, but there was nothing in particular going on. So, we checked on our phones to see where we needed to be. And that’s when the second stupid happened. You see, the celebrations do go on for two weeks… BEFORE lunar new year.

You could say we were in the right place, but the wrong time.

We were stupid tourists.

(But seriously, come on! Shouldn’t you have the party when the big holiday is happening? No? Okay, but shouldn’t you do it anyway for the stupid tourists like us? No? Well shut up.)

So instead I contented myself with taking photos of lanterns and funny signs.



I could maybe actually shop here

I could maybe actually shop here

um... no thanks

um… no thanks

Then we sampled the local delicacies at McDonald’s. After that it got dark and all the lights went on and it was just beautiful.



two tigers and a goat

two tigers and a goat

And then we took the train back home.

I think Chinatown should have dragons every day.

Feb. 17th, 2015


Let me sum up

Originally published at http://www.notmymother.net . You can comment there or here.

Oops, sorry for not writing. We got cable TV put in (a necessity here) and there is always something on. And I am not known for self control. I put Friends or HGV on “in the background” but the next thing I know I’m lying on the bed out of lives in Candy Crush and constantly refreshing Facebook to see if anyone else is having fun.

True story.

So. I’m getting organised, settling in. Our apartment is starting to feel like home. That first week was rough though. All those boxes! I spent most of my time walking around in circles not knowing where to start and therefore not doing anything (except watching an awful lot of Property Brothers). I got profoundly grumpy at all our possessions. I had been relaxed in our serviced apartment, apart from missing a few things (a potato peeler? A hairdryer stronger than a budgie’s sneeze?), and not having a place for stuff. Well, now NONE of our stuff has a place, and I have to work that out and it is hard because it’s like doing one of those old sliding tile puzzles except you’re not even sure what the picture is supposed to be. There is stuff fucking EVERYWHERE. I just wanted to pick it all up and shove it down our garbage chute. Why do I have all this stuff? Why did I think it was all necessary? And then I go to get rid of something… and I can’t, so I try to find somewhere to put it, and I can’t do that either. Thus the walking in circles and getting dizzy, and oh look, Friends is back on.

Minimalism is looking pretty good right now.

That first weekend Dave did his manly thing and proclaimed that we would finish setting up the lounge. His idea was that we would have one room that was complete, with furniture and without boxes, so we could sit somewhere and relax and not feel like… well, like I was feeling. I hate to admit it but he was right. (I mean, I am trying damn hard not to look at all the toys all over it right now, but that’s just like back home so it’s presumably manageable.) Then he stacked the guest room full of the downstairs boxes, which gets them out of sight but sucks for you if you’re planning a visit. I suppose we could rearrange the outside ones into steps and put the bedding up on top, like a massive platform bed, or maybe a cave. At this very moment we have 27 boxes left, mostly labelled Toys and weighing about 2kg each, so I think there’s one item in each.

So anyway. In the world outside of boxes, it is hot. I am getting used to it, or at least accepting being sweaty a lot. I’m finding my way around. Let me tell you, public transport is AWESOME here. Cars are ridiculously expensive (think $120,000 for a new small hatchback, never mind the Mercs and Ferraries you see everywhere) so they make the trains and buses reliable and cheap, and the taxis are too. It can cost me about a dollar to take the train into town, and maybe six to come home with my shopping in a cab. A week’s worth of commuting for Dave costs less than one day’s train back home. This is the thing about Singapore; a lot of things are ridiculously expensive, and others are ridiculously cheap. It’s a subject that warrants its own entry or two.

I kind of love it here.

And I don’t miss work.

Okay, I better go do something before Bianca comes home. I feel like the temporary settling in period is over, and now it’s time to get on and enjoy living here fully. But I need to go do some laundry first.

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